I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the condom got lost in my hair
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
