I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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