Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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