I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize