we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
