you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
