i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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