My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
