Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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