Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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