Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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