Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize