i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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