Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
