look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
