So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
