you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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