I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
