All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
OPIZZABONMYDICK
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
