I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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