so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
