I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
