I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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