Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(205): View more from Alabama

I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.

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(904): View more from Florida

Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.

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(618): View more from Illinois

God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.

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