just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
