Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
