when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
