Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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