her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
FUCK WHALES
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
