just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
