I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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