you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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