where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
