True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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