I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize