I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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