I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
