So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
