if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
