; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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