i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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