Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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