Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize