You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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