I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
