so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
