I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
