so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
