I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
