Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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