dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if only i could text you this smell
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
