sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
