please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
