New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
