Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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