I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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