You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
