Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
