oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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