I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
