If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
