I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
