May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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