I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
