Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
