someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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