I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize